New comment on Just Because He Breathes

Alex Amonett commented on Just Because He Breathes.

in response to Linda Robertson:

Mrs. Robertson-

I don’t normally read blogs and I almost never respond or post to anything, but, perhaps it was God’s intent to lead me to this story tonight. I have an ongoing struggle with reconciling my own relationship with my parents- one that consistently has me questioning my faith. I am the son of a preacher and no longer a child at 36. My parents were wonderful people and excellent role models growing up, my childhood was full of many happy memories, however, I was raised to hate homosexuality and to believe being gay was a sin.

Like your son, I knew very early on that I was gay and unknown to my parents I struggled through various stages of depression and suicidal thoughts/attempts during my teenage years. I threw myself into the church and even considered becoming a preacher. I dated young women and prayed almost day and night for my sexuality to change. I wanted…needed… God and my family’s approval and I was trapped in a hidden nightmare of disgust with myself. I knew that moment I came out- I would lose my parents, my sisters and most of my friends. I would lose my nephews and nieces, my church and at the time I thought I would lose God.

So I did not come out until I was 30 years old- after years of struggling and unanswered prayers- it finally hit me that God was not changing who I was- because he MADE me to be who I was. I had been taught to think of my sexuality as only a temptation and as a choice- and it wasn’t until I accepted it as my identity that I was able to finally come to peace and give my life to God. It did come at a horrible sacrifice though…because when I came out to my family, my worst fears did become real.

I was not only disowned- but I basically lost 30 years of my life, my history, my relationships. I lost watching my nephews and nieces grow up, I lost being able to call my mother daily and get her advice, cooking tips- to share my successes and failures. I lost being able to come home on the holidays or the ability to share the stories of who I loved.

Out of what they truly feel has been love- I have heard things come of out of my parents mouth that left huge wounds and scars. That I am an abomination in God’s eyes. That because of my “choice” I suddenly became prideful and selfish and made to feel that because I was honest with who I was…that my separation from them was my choice. They lashed out from fear and pain- and I let them- because I love them and I know they are making a decision based on their faith. I do not agree with it and I am terribly hurt by it- and I continue to pray and hope for the healing of our relationship and that I will be allowed back into their lives. But after 6 years of either silence or hurtful exchanges…I am lost at what to do anymore.

I cannot continue to have these scars re-opened again and again- and yet I do not want to be the one that ever closes a door if they do send me something.

Since I came out I serve publicly as a gay professional that serves as an advocate to our community. When I came out I wanted to be a role model and fight for the values that I believe in. I am blessed to have a job that allows me to do this daily and work towards the equality and healing of the gay community- and even more importantly those who have stories similar to my own.

I share this with you…because your blog gave me inspiration…at one of those moments that I was struggling with the loss of my family. The loss of your family…when you know they are still alive and breathing…but choose to push you away…never stops hurting less. I…and others like me…put a mask of confidence and strength on…and try to fill that void through service, other relationships, work, prayer, temptations…you name it. But nothing will ever truly compensate for your family.

So I guess I want to say thank you…because your message is a strong one…and one that needs to be heard. It needs to be heard by Christian and Non-Christian parents alike…by mothers and fathers who have gay children or straight children…it needs to be heard by anyone who works with youth. Our time on this earth is so limited and so precious…we are human and we make mistakes…but the worst thing we can do is push away each other or push each other to push away God. Thank you for making me feel not so alienated. I hope that your message continues to spread and your story touches hearts like those of my parents.

God bless you. I know your son would be proud.