Patricia’s Story – (Sidebar, Part 2)

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HERE IS PATRICIA’S STORY…

WHAT I WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR IS WHAT I HAVE NOW

By PATRICIA ORNETT

From the May 7, 2007 issue of the Christian Science Sentinel

I wanted to feel light, free, and find a way out of the trap, the monotony. I wanted to say I was so, so sorry. To move on, comfort those around me, say it would be OK and mean it. I wanted to feel unity with everything and everyone. For a long time I didn’t feel any of this. What I now know is, those desires for a better existence were prayer (see Science and Health, p. 1).

Starting in middle school, I was obsessed by thoughts of suicide. I was diagnosed as manic depressive and given medications. I look them off and on, but they made me feel worse. Later I got into heavy drinking and eating disorders. At first they seemed to offer hope, a way out of suffering, and a opportunity to change myself. But at some point that suddenly flipped, and my fears became more extreme.

This all went on for about ten years. I felt I was letting down everyone trying to help me, and I couldn’t help myself with will-power. I longed to be a better person than I felt I was. Finally, I started to be honest with myself about my fears — for instance, the fear that I was worthless. Honesty was key. I learned not to be afraid to pour out my heart to God. And then I prayed that these fears be removed. It was letting God be God, instead of thinking I had to fix everything. Things started to shift. I felt the action of God, and the fears began lifting. I was becoming childlike and open to receive more.

Someone introduced me to Science and Health. When I began reading it, thought, “This is what I know.” But it went further than I thought was possible — it gave me a clear sense of a whole, new identity. It filled a longing, a memory, a hunger for Something I knew — that we’re spiritual. I read, “Matter has no life to lose, and Spirit never dies” (p. 275). And, “Man is more than a material form with a mind inside, which must escape from its environments in order to be immortal” (p.258). It made sense. I saw the stark divide between the material and the spiritual — and that the spiritual was the reality I wanted to live by.

Science and Health described the ground to be covered—where I’d been and where I was going. It was about divine Love meeting my human need. It showed me what my true job was—being still and receptive, removing fear, and opening entirely to a consciousness of Love’s presence. I began living in the clear light of divine Life, translating everything into spiritual ideas, watching God’s grace elevating my thought and experience.

Click on the link below to read Patricia’s story in its entirety.
WHAT I WAS ALWAYS LOOKING FOR IS WHAT I HAVE NOW – Christian Science Sentinel

Source: sentinel.christianscience.com